There are so many fun things to do in Key West—I’m a native, so I should know. Here’s a list of just a few of them, for you out-of-towners planning a little vacation around this wedding of mine. Enjoy!
Harry Truman’s Little White House
This small museum was the winter residence of America’s Most Pottymouthed President (that’s what Gran says, anyway, and she would know because she’s a million years old). It’s also “the State of Florida’s only presidential site.” Way to win it, Key West! The Little White House also happens to be close to a really good brunch spot, Blue Heaven. Fantastic Bloody Marys.
The Ernest Hemingway Home and Museum
Take a tour of the tropical retreat where Hemingway wrote such classics as To Have and Have Not (hot Cuban sex scenes!) and For Whom the Bell Tolls (Spanish rebels boning in the woods!). Nice pool. Wacky tour guides. Rum-tastings in the gift shop on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Key West contains the southernmost point in the continental United States, a mere ninety miles north of Cuba. Who gives a sh*t, right? Not me! But if you’re really jonesing to get your picture taken next to a giant red-and-yellow rectal suppository, head on down to the Southernmost Point monument. Then head over to the beach bar next door. Great selection of beer.
Pan Am Headquarters
Check out the birthplace of a great airline that later crashed a bunch of planes and no longer exists! Honestly, this one is lame—I only included it because it’s been converted into a bar. Excellent cocktails. Tell Marco I sent you.
Mile Marker Zero
This small green sign marks the southern tip of U.S. Highway 1, 2,390 miles from its northern terminus in Fort Kent, Maine. (I totally plagiarized that from some random person’s Tumblr. “Northern terminus?” Give me a break.) Anyway, snap a picture and then head to the nearby Green Parrot, a local dive with a lively late-night scene, and really nice bathrooms. Very spacious.
Get your freak on! Are you done with the pointless touristical bullsh*t? Good. Key West is a sexy, sexy place, and you should take full advantage while you’re here. Here are some suggestions.
Garden of Eden (clothing-optional bar)
Olivia’s (clothing-optional guest house)
Dream Catchers Charters (clothing-optional deep sea fishing. Don’t believe me? Google it.)
Teasers 2 (strip club)
Red Garter (ditto)
Bare Assets (ditto)
Adult Entertainment Club (way to be specific, guys)
Sunny Massage (massage parlor, wink-wink)
The Rub of Palm Beach (ditto)
Allure Massage (double ditto)
Relax with Us (lots and lots of winks here)
Lucky Spa (for these prices it had better be, am I right?)
There’s much more to see and do on this lush and lovely island. I hope that you all come down, kick back and get a little adventurous. You really never know what’s going to happen.